Adopted, from an orphanage, into your world.
Unable to find a place, I continue to struggle.
Though not without purpose.
While this letter may speak to you; it is also, for me, a chance to speak on other parts of my story I have not yet acknowledged.
For a time I did not understand what you all meant when you used this word, deconstruction.
Upon comprehension, I am forced to ask myself if I ever had a “deconstruction”.
As a child I was a believer only in so much as I prayed for safety each night after the formal prayer routine had finished, and the people who adopted me had left my room.
Say that what it does, I had an otherwise carefree childhood.
Jesus was a lovely story, though the details of his crucifixion were gruesomely retold at one church conference I attended.
What really interested me was the Old Testament and the Book of Revelations, that ish is crazy!
Church was attended every Wednesday and Sunday, unless extra work was required to prepare for an event.
I was always an extra pair of hands, and as soon as I was able to, I started performing in seasonal plays. The pinnacle was performing at Billy Graham’s Kids Gig with Psalty the Singing Songbook.
After which, it has been a gradual decent into obscurity through neglect.
Latino Rebels had the audacity and compassion to let me publish a few posts on my experiences, and reflections.
On some level, I always knew I was a pet for, not an equal to, the individuals who bought me.
How does one deconstruct something that they never were to allowed to be?
The promise of heaven was nice, though it would never be accessible to me, no matter how many times I was baptized.
Admittedly, my realization of these ideas was not so poignant at the time. Though in reflection, it can be seen how the dynamics forced me to find another source, or sense, of human value.
My own humanity was not seen, and has not been seen, by the family nor the community into which I was brought.
I spent two decades trying to be accepted for who I am.
Marijuana is my jam! And it deserves an article of its own.
Marijuana has kept me from self-harm and aggression towards others.
Having been in jail, been angry and felt attacked, I do not make light of these benefits, even though I may speak of them in jest.
It wasn’t until my sophomore year of college that I tried magic mushrooms.
Twenty or thirty minutes into the trip I retreated to my room.
My mind explored the cosmos, and came upon a blank space with a single beam of light shooting through it.
I interpreted my guide to be Jesus, or rather, that is the lens through which I was best able to interpret what I was teaching myself.
At some point, this light, that was moving forward blindly through space, would stop, and cease to exist as a light.
Where, and how, I was at this point would determine the fate of my eternal soul.
Or so I perceived.
But I can never know the time or place this light will be extinguished.
The concept was a turning point.
Something I still couldn’t completely explain, made sense.
Results in children.
I am going to gloss over this part of the story save to say that we met through our church and are both adopted.
Concepts of purity culture battled senses of exploration, rebellion and control, which resulted in another broken relationship, though with the derivative product of a child.
The people who bought me signed an agreement with the mother of my child to the following effect:
They are able to spend time with my child so long as they don’t tell me anything about her.
The first song below is a recording of the male who adopted me explaining the situation; the rest is for context I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Words, and then melody, have always been a means of learning, healing and growth for me.
Poetry is able to make clear the obscure — to say I was a pet is a metaphor for how I was heard when I spoke, and how the rest of my needs were regarded by my caretakers.
A few years after my all-star performance with Psalty, I was shown the book The Tao of Pooh; thus began my exploration of Eastern philosophies and religions.
Many years later, the same year our child was conceived, I took a survey course of the topic at a college, along with a poetry course.
The Tao Te Ching has become one epitome of how words are able to transcend experience to consistently help me grow, poetree.
I find that so many of the questions I have had, others have pondered, and if they haven’t found answers, at least they illustrated beautiful possibilities.
And each of these possibilities has allowed me to understand that the possibility of me, is not entirely unreasonable 🙂
The core values with which I was raised , humility, compassion, and community, have not left me.
They have simply changed — and in many ways been galvanized by my experiences.
Hopefully then too, they have grown, or are able to evolve.
Being an Exvangelical transracial adoptee, my vantage point at the intersection of Christianity, patriarchy and racism provides an opportunity to see many otherwise unseen connections.
And with this information, begin to build unique solutions that embody my values.
ScreamFreely / MnActivist
On its face MnActivist.Org is a simple website and application to provide up-to-date information about civic events and participants.
Beneath the surface it is also a platform for teaching others how to code.
By targeting training for historically under-served communities we are able to begin generating both educational and economic wealth in these communities; while providing a quality service, ad-free and tracker-free, to the entire state.
Moreover, the platform is built on open-source technology.
We started a pilot program in a public school, but our check is taking longer than expected, because that is how larger school districts work.
It is for this reason that I am feeling pushed to ask for help, which maybe isn’t the worst thing …
P.S. We are also awaiting our determination letter from the IRS which is to arrive within the month.
DreamFreely is the commercial reflection of ScreamFreely.
When I have had money, I have tried to use it to make lasting purchases.
ScreamFreely was registered in 2008, and DreamFreely in 2010.
Raised around affluent white people I was given insight, through proximity, as to how they have built and sustained their wealth.
DreamFreely is my attempted interpretation of their commercial mechanisms.
I have two applications I seek to build, while providing community coaching services, and representing myself, and others, as artists and presenters.
But these are aspirations I need help to build.
Bereft of a family, and many former-friends, I ask you all for your help, as you are able.
I have completed a collection of poems for purchase, pay what you would like:
Your support helps me pay for living expenses such as food, shelter and internet while we get ScreamFreely’s Coding Classes up and running.
If I can raise over $2,000 I will also feel financially secure enough to complete a search for, and possible reunion with, my biological mother.
For those interested and able to provide sustaining support please visit Patreon.com/CultureClap.
I am using my Patreon page to kickstart a business community in support of my entrepreneurship going forward.
First things first, I just need to get through the next few weeks to start.
Thank you for taking the time to read my request.
Light and laughter to you all.
Canin “CultureClap” Carlos